Hari Kari is also suicide

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Chosen by Beckeh Lee (who wrote it on delightful Domo themed paper - but also uses full circles rather than dots above the letter 'i') who had this to say: 'Thanks to this being one of Seymour's [her partner's] favourite films, there's now several hours of my life I won't get back. Fetish-wise it's everything you'd expect from Japan - fucking weird. Seymour sees the serious story behind it, and the issues with privitising the police.

Made before the recent filmaday entry Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl this is a similar exercise in excess, though it's satire is more obvious to me (I still don't get half of the school stuff in that previous movie) and comes across as a Japanese Robocop - down to fake adverts (one for 'cutesy' knives to cut yourself with a rather unsettling trend he has in both films) and focus on a privitised police force.
Again it starts to actually bore with it's shock tactics as they are so relentlessly cartoonish (though I did turn away squeemishly at the main character slicing at her wrists and a guy getting a drill put through his ankle). I may have used this line before - but when everything is turned up to 11, 11 isn't that special anymore.

Lucky for you, I come with my own air bags!

Elvira's Hidden Hills (2001)

Chosen by me from a list of free movies online.

Much the same as the last Elvira filmaday entry (though set over 150 years ago making the forced pop culture references even less funny).
Again it's all a bit too twee and soft to be that bothered by but within about 5 minutes we've already seen people accidentally fall into our star's heaving bosom and grope her breasts in oh so comical ways.
Richard O'Brian is just as awful as everybody else (at least Cassandra Peterson appears to be having fun).
It's best gag has a studly servant's voice very badly dubbed (though they over egg the joke by referring to it).

Fleshpots!

Dracula: Pages from a Virgin's Diary (2002)

Chosen by me from a selection of free films online (and it was mentioned by Kim Newman in his excellent book Nightmare Movies)

As if a ballet version of Dracula wasn't distancing enough, Maddin films the whole thing as though a silent movie (mostly - there are a couple of disconcerting sound effects).
Hauntingly beautiful but off beat (Van Helsing is an odd pervert who keeps the torn off skirt of Mina Murray) it plays Dracula out as an invasion story by an immigrant impressing himself into English social and sexual society.
It pays much more attention to Lucy Westernra (starting the story with her and showing Jonathan Harker's travails are shown later in a super fast precis) who is brilliantly performed by Tara Birtwhistle. Highlighting a character's sexuality through dance may not be exactly a groundbreaking idea but Birtwhistle handles the change in personality brilliantly creating a genuine tragedy out of her death (sympathy is not only with her but also Dracula at the end who seems bullied in his own home by a bunch of toffs).

They just keep growing and growing and there's nothing we can do about it

Mega Piranha (2010)

Chosen by me from the 'fine' selection at Poundworld.

Starring "80's Pop Sensation Tiffany" this is about as rubbish as I've come to expect from knock off studio The Asylum.
Not nearly clever enough to excuse it's cheapness (compare to cheap knock off Piranha from Joe Dante and it's flaws become even more unbearable), a couple of moments suggest a knowing pastiche but performances and direction are so bad (one actor starts to say another's line before realising he's got it wrong) and script so risible nothing works - not as spoof, not as serious horror, not as silly action film.
This lacks even the over the top set pieces seen on countless youtube clips of other films of it's ilk.
Not worth the pound I spent on it.

It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it.

Tree of Life (2011)

Chosen by me as I like to go to the cinema a lot.

Willfully almost perversely obtuse The Tree of Life is a fascinating but frustrating experience.
A hushed sombre voice-over intones meaningless platitudes over images that seem unrelated to anything.
We are often giving scenes lacking vital information (I was unclear until checking the credits which kid was meant to be Sean Penn, the film's dialogue is largely irrelvant and I can't recall if anyone is ever mentioned by name) leaving fleeting sometimes haunting snatches of life.
It is, as ever with Malick, achingly beautiful. Tying a families grief and life into the very birth of the world itself may seem a stretch to far (the screening I was at had a few walk outs, that's for sure) but it allows for a poetic, off-kilter experience unlike anything else you're liable to see at the cinema this year.

all you need is a ball and an open space

The Game of their Lives (2005)

Chosen by me by selecting some of Poundworld's fine wares.

Football remains ever so dull to watch on screen and the off pitch machinations barely register as interesting here either.
It's all so terribly pat (it makes out that their game against England was the first one played but they had already lost a match a day or two earlier) and the performances generally pretty bad (even Patrick Stewart is less than his usual watchable self).

you put blood in the chocolate. not love.

Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Chosen by me as it was free online and mentioned briefly in Kim Newman's new edition of the excellent Nightmare Movies.

Utterly bonkers.
An incredibly offensive movie in many ways (set at a high school it has cliques of girls who love cutting themselves and enter school sanctioned competitions for it and a group who go 'blackface') yet too silly and cartoonish to actually get bothered by.
It spends a lot of time on essentially inconsequential characters (the two groups above are only in the film so that the 'Frankenstein Girl' has strong arms and legs) with bizarre non-sequiturs and overt winking at the audience (the Frankenstein of the story gets an odd dance sequence with a latex clad nurse where they look directly at the camera).
Incredibly gory, heads explode, people are cut in half but apart from one image of the Vampire Girl dancing in  a shower of blood whilst being photographed by a pervert teacher none of it really sticks.