She'll do anything you ask Nick.

Open Windows (2014)

There's a problem with these gimmicky thrillers, your Phone Booths and ATM or even something like Shutter Island. They become about their gimmick. they have nothing else to say, so at every incredibly convenient bit of unlikely plotting your mind rebels as there is no sustenance. You can fill the gap with good performances, stylish looks (as Shutter Island a movie I like does) or you can just be a hollow exercise in yanking your audience about. Like almost all of the others.

At one point Open Windows comes close to saying something interesting, especially in the climate of stolen celebrity nudes and the entitlement some fans feel but this is never really given any deep thought and instead backs away from that to give a rather lousy 'twist'.

It doesn't really do a good job with it's gimmick anyway, a potentially arresting idea but the film doesn't know how to deliver on it's promise without massively cheating. Ostensibly a thriller the way technology is used puts it more akin to something like Star Wars.

Wood is are fine, though Grey affects a laid back indifferent approach to the work that may come from her being not a very good actor or just a weird stylistic choice.

It all comes down to two words: Horizontal, Vertical.

The Grandmaster

Stunningly beautiful if a little hard to follow narratively. It flicks back and forth in time but that is not so much the problem as the desire to explain odd and baffling points of Kung Fu politics. Occasionally it will try to clear up an obscure plot point with some blunt captions but these mostly just repeat the last bit of information given rather than unobfuscating cultural and historical mores.

Thankfully the movie is enjoyable enough that you can delight in the scenery and fine performances whilst still being unsure of the particulars.

The combat is generally expressive, well played and tight. Water and dust feature heavily as they often do in Yeun Woo-ping's choreographic work.

It skips over certain important beats (such as the struggles under Japanese invasion) which mean that Ip Man himself remains a rather undercooked character in his own movie (Tony Leung gets some funny bits of business that suggest he is not all dour stoicness but doesn't really get to react to any of the dramatic stuff that happens to him and his loved ones, a shame for an actor so capable).

Indeed part way through the movie pulls away from Ip Man completely and focuses on Ziyi Zhang's Gong Er, giving her a complete arc and much to play with. A challenge which she rises to wonderfully and makes you question why the film is not about her instead?

The horse is sober

Grabbers (2012)

It's hard to escape the comparison between the fantastic Tremors and this Irish take on a remote community besieged by monstrous forces but there we go. It's not quite as good as Tremors.

It does slightly less with it's 'grabbers' than Tremors does with it's 'graboids' and the character interplay is not nearly as sharp. The main character is a fairly one note alcoholic so it's hard to know quite what the new female arrival on the island sees in him.

The jokes are ok, certainly good enough to cover up some ropey plotting and the monster design is fine.

Be not afraid, my noble jungle brother.

Welcome to the Jungle (2013)

It doesn't really get any better than the lousy title. Considering some of the comedic talent on board it's shocking just how dull this film is. The Simpsons once took on Lord of the Flies in a brilliant, funny energetic episode. This is basically the opposite of that. There are glimpses of life, Van Damme hamming it up is not bad (though he is actually funnier trying to be serious in some of his films than he is here playing schtick) and it lets loose a couple of times with bonkers cartoon logic that would be more welcome if it didn't just make me think more about that Simpsons ep.

plus you were drunk, so I knew it was you

Wolfcop (2014)

Not good. 

Barely 80mins long and a full fifth of that seems taken up by a dull werewolf sex scene (certainly has nothing on the Howling). Almost completely witless, it's central conceit is hardly taken advantage of (only a tiny portion of the film - about as long as the sex scene really, actually has him being a Wolf Cop). It occasionally zags when you think it will zig (a bizarre A Team moment when he customizes his police cruiser almost hits clever) but mostly is pretty dreary.

Only of interest if you want to see a human to werewolf penis transformation scene.

I heard all Tail Sectioners were lazy dogs and they all drink their own shit.

Snowpiercer (2013)

The comic this film is based on doesn't make a huge amount of sense. The film probably even less so.

It strives for deep allegorical meaning but doesn't really make it. 

It does work much better however as a satirical, often quite farcical take down of Ayn Rand (who certainly loved her trains). Literally children are used as parts of a machine to keep society going. Don't think about how it makes no sense at all, here's a pointless fight scene to cover up the cracks.

Tilda Swinton exemplifies the archly funny end of the film's wildly varied tones. Hilarious as a petty bureaucrat, looking like she is ready to run a Church fete whilst ordering how many people should die. The name of John Hurts character - Gilliam, a possible indicator of some of the tone they were aiming for.

Chris Evans is much less ably used, a naturally charismatic and interesting performer the role is too dour to make use of his talents and everyone around him seems much more colourful.

Well shot making good use of switching between the tight messy tail section and various other carriages it remains a quirky fascinating movie despite it's flaws.

corny's good. corny is my stock in trade.

Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever (2014)

There always something a little sad about the sort of Lifetime channel movies, christmas ones especially. They go through the motions, lessons are learnt, christmas miracles are miracled, and usually one or two bahs are humbugged.

They're cheap, often horribly acted, badly written and directed. 

But this is sooooo much worse.

It might as well be called Lantern Hanging: The Movie for the amount of times it references itself and how shoddy it is. But this metatextual spoofing just comes across as a lazy shrugging. Those other movies at least pretend to believe the shit they are peddling if you can put that much effort into saying 'this is bad' try to be better.

Aubrey Plaza takes grump to mean lethargic and delivers a voice-over so apathetic it almost makes the fact the cat almost never moves seem dynamic.

Aiming perhaps for the stoner crowd as much as the child one it puts jokes about molestation and the putting down of pets alongside dumb pratfalls and kazoo versions of christmas songs.

Cynical trash.