the measure of love is what one is willing to give up for it

Pandora and the Flying Dutchman (1951)

Chosen by Ni from a facebook request where she had this to say "it's odd and lovely"

A talky, slightly dull retelling of the Flying Dutchman tale.

It's rather well shot shot but stagy in it's direction and the ponderous voice-over is there to smooth over the cracks in storytelling (the passage of time is a little confusing/undefined).

It's central thesis, quoted in my title is not as romantic as it thinks it is and instead presents a deeply problematic response to female sexual independence. Literally she has to die to give him his release from a curse. We're meant to believe it's for love but see no evidence of that, no reason that Mason is any better a fit for her than the Bullfighter or race car driver. 

Gardner is a beauty but can never quite make the collection of odd quirks into a character, and she is still miles more interesting than anybody else. 

There is a selfishness and demonic humour to her moving through life just trailing men behind her but despite suicide, destruction and murder attempts (also a dog is killed - off screen - if that kind of thing bothers you) the movie is too staid and boring to make her an icon of empowerment instead her purpose in life is to be the solution to a man's problem.

Tell people individual elements and it could sound like a fun over-the-top melodrama but it's too lethargically paced, and too po-faced in it's morality.

I wish you would be like other dads and stay home and barbeque

Joysticks (1983)

Chosen by me because I put out a call for inspiration on facebook. This was not actually recommended (christ how could it be?) but someone said Zardoz and I replied with a picture of Starburns from Community in a Zardoz costume and that led me to watching the Koogler trailer from that episode which features a song from this film. So, yeah.

This is actually sexier and funnier than anything in the movie.

 Do these kind of movies even exist anymore? American Pie reinvigorated the form for a while perhaps.

This is one of those films that may have been a staple on HBO programming in the 80s. 

Enough tits to keep anyone interested in that sort of thing awake but with no redeemable aspect what-so-ever.

Like a lot of the nerd comedies at least one of the scenes is basically just sexual assault.

it seems to exist in a strange world where young women pop their tops off in public so they can photograph a poindexter in his boxers. Why? Fuck knows. His being in his boxers is treated as though he was naked and none of it makes sense.

The jokes are essentially non-existent, though a fat guy does eat and fart a lot. That's basically it.

Tits are revealed about every 8 minutes, thought it's mostly the same two actors doing the load bearing work of this film.

Joe Don Baker plays the big bad dad determined to close the video arcade and his daughter is played by Veronica Mars' mom with a very strange valley girl accent that is so bad it's almost avant garde and the only thing of interest in the film.

This is the far superior Koogler

The french have a saying: It's the fate of glass to break.

Spectre (2015)

Chosen by me as I hadn't watched it since it was on at the flicks and I never finished the blogalongabond project from years ago, so I might fill in the gaps.

Bond's Intro: Pretty cool. He's done up in a skeleton costume and followed along by a sort of pointless one shot through a parade, into a hotel and over some rooftops. Why is a one shot look take? Who knows? Presumably Sam Mendes is a fan of Touch of Evil.

Theme Song and Credits: The song is a pretty lacklustre affair (mirroring much of the movie perhaps?), a lethargic swan song. The credits feature the usual silhouetted tits and guns but also feature a lot more naked Bond than most and have a weird octopus motif that skews uncomfortably close to tentacle porn.

  
The Ladies: Monica Bellucci and Lea Seydoux. And here is one of the films biggest problems (and it has a few). Bellucci in her five minutes of screen time is so much more interesting and has so much more chemistry with Craig than Seydoux (who was excellent in The Lobster, reviewed recently) who is a slight nothing of a character. At one point we are told by somebody that the daughter of an asssassin is the perfect partner for Bond but we never really get the sense of that connection which means the ending doesn't work at all.

The Baddies: This does what Star Trek Into Darkness did and hides a well known to the audience baddie under a different name for most of it's running time. The only purpose of which is too fool people before the film comes out who look at imdb listings. And it never works. Everybody knew he was Khan. Everybody knew he was Blofeld. So it just seems a waste of everybody's time. 

This also does one of those annoying things where it crafts a personal connection between hero and foe to no appreciable gain what-so-ever. God forbid we just want to watch Bond do his job saving the world and watch Blofeld do his job fucking the world up without some lousy daddy issue stuff.

Andrew Scott is mostly garbage, an oily haired scuzzball whose reveal as a baddie is tossed off casually because who the hell didnt know that from 2 seconds of looking at him.

Dave Bautista looks cool but doesn't really leave a lasting impression.

License to Kill: God knows how many innocent people are killed as Bond brings down a block and a half of mexican real estate.

Bond hates foreigners: See above. Also the films casual confusing of mexican day of the dead and rio style parades. 

He's pretty reckless in all these foreign countries but then again he brings a helicopter crashing down on London streets, so that's just his way I guess.

Bond hates women: All the women are just used to further his needs. Even the sex seems an afterthought. He does leave Bellucci a way out of her predicament (make her main character in the next one. make her main character in the next one. make her main character in the next one)

Bond's crazy knowledge: That is a 1948 Rolls Royce Silver Wraith

Bond's a big fat snob: They position him (and more directly M) as hard working men who get their hands dirty as opposed to Andrew Scott's went to school with the home secretary knobend.

00's killed: None but 009 does have his car stolen by Bond.

Mini overview: A rather damp affair. Craig is great as usual but the whole thing just isn't interesting enough to last it's exceptionally long running time. The action sequences are ok but curiously uninvolving lacking any real pulse pounding moments, though the helicopter stunt at the start is cool. None of the personal stuff works so great chunks of drama are inert (does anybody care that Blofeld is a sort of brother to James Bond?). The first half is stronger which leads to a deflated feeling when Bond quits to be with Seydoux. 

I know you're probably feeling a lot of emotion right now, but please refrain from using the term "thundercunt."

Spy (2015)

Chosen by me from netflix. I recall liking this movie a lot when it came out at the cinema.

A very funny reteaming of Paul Feig and his muse Melissa Mccarthy.

More than just a collection of "hey she's fat and stupid" jokes that the trailer kind of made it out to be, Mccarthy is the butt of a lot of gags but only by virtue of the fact she is the lead in a comedy. It's important to note that Jude Law and Jason Statham (very funny here) are just as idiotic and not nearly as interesting.

It is foul mouthed and more than a little offensive and not everything makes the landing - there's a few too many gags about sexual assault/groping that never really find a point worth making.

The plotting is fairly ramshackle (a fairly obvious reveal does have an extra twist on it though which is nice) but the action is competent and the laughs a plenty. It works because it makes Mccarthy's character good at her job despite the silliness and buffoonery going on.

Oh and in fucking terrible imdb reviews news here's a gem - "Directors... there is nothing uglier than a pretty woman with a foul mouth. " 

ugh.

I know you play mysterious and aloof just to avoid getting hurt

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (2010)

Chosen by me and watched as part of a brilliant interactive film club Fortune and Glory, hosted in Nottingham. This one involved taking a shot of milk when Todd's powers were lost, playing inflatable guitars when bands were performing and throwing coins in the air when Gideon explodes.

One of the most perfectly cast movies of all time (and featuring a Captain America, Superman, Captain Marvel and Punisher) with every role just filled out to perfection from Mark Webber's jittery band leader, Aubrey Plaza's censored expletive ridden hard worker, Kieran Culkin's sardonic room-mate and most especially Ellen Wong's young, naive but powerful Knives Chau (honestly i could just single out every single player and state why they are so good). She's real hero of this movie.

Scott himself, remains like the early volumes of the comic, a bit of an arsehole. His transformative arc, a major part of the latter books, is greatly truncated though still reasonable effective (Alison Pill's slight eyebrow reaction to his apology does a lot of the work). He manages to stay on the right side of annoying due to being very funny and having enough of a touch of cluelessness to make his arseholery not entirely unpalatable. 

There is a big strange imbalance, however. The film does a great job of showing how Scott and Knives are great together, we see them having a lot more fun than Scott and Ramona, which is directly referenced in the final fight with Gideon. And because the growing up aspect of his character doesn't work (the books are set over a longer period, he and Ramona live together for a year or so, have more of a connection beyond her using his dreamspace as a short cut for her delivery job) it feels strange he picks (and indeed is helped to pick by Knives) the more distant but mature partner.

That said, relationships in general do not come off great in this film, full of broken people, cheaters and stalkers.

Edgar Wright shows his complete control of the medium. One of the few comedic directors who knows how to use every tool to make a gag work, the dialogue is brilliant (having the sense to be often verbatim from the books), the editing terrific (seriously why do so few comedies look this good?) and the music, sound, special effects all in service of making it as funny and interesting as possible.

I can't believe she's going out with him, you know?

Enter the Void (2009)

Chosen by Faye who had this to say about it "it didn't make me feel anything and I thought it would be a film that made you emotional aha" and "You must [watch it] because I don't know anyone who has seen it and I need to be like WTF"

It begins with credits that are too fast for the eye to take in. A whirl of colour and shapes (typographical nerds may have a field day pausing this sequence) that seems to suggest the movie can't wait to begin. And then the film itself starts and never goes anywhere for it's interminable running time.

Recently I looked at A Ghost Story which does everything this film does but at half the time and manages to be more compelling and offers more thought than this juvenile exercise in "hey, man, death is trippy" pointlessness.

The performances are mostly empty, sub day time soap style.

The ending strives for deep profundity but is obvious from the moment reincarnation is mentioned. The tacky incestuousness aspect to the main characters there merely to provoke...outrage, titillation? It's generally unclear what the point of the whole endeavour is?

It is well shot, and technically orchestrated but to no appreciable benefit.  

I'm getting old. I can't bear it.

Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

Chosen by me as Paul Williams has turned up in things such as Community and Baby Driver and I thought I should give this a whirl.

A pantomine, over-the-top silly bit of nonsense. And great for it.

It's not a long film but it still spends perhaps a little too much time with the dully annoying Winslow leach before he becomes the Phantom (the allusion to Leroux is obvious but thrown into the mix are faust, frankenstein and the monkees).

Nobody here has what could even be close to a natural acting style, which fits the on the nose satire of media and slams against the record industry but mean any emotional resonance is lost in the signal to noise ratio.

The songs are not bad but only The Hell of It has an immediate iconic power.

Very much a proto-De Palma movie with an overt reference to Hitchcock, some split screen, heightened sense of reality and a lack of care to character logic.

Maybe too culty for mainstream enjoyment but a fun, unusual film that should tickle a very specific audience.