Kingsman is crumpets!

Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)

Chosen by me because I like to go to the cinema a lot.

The first Kingsman movie was trash. But it was trash that almost transcended into something interesting. It's confused mix of nihilism and ultra conservatism didnt quite work as a critique of the status quo loving Bond movies but it did create an indelible image of a bunch of rich privileged arseholes' heads popping off in colourful ways.

This sequel doesn't even come close to matching anything that gleefully bizarre.

All of the action sequences are shot in a strangely heightened manner that makes everything seem as if it is separate instances of computer game cut scenes with the editing in-between being hard to follow with a human eye. This flattens out the fights into dull poses that work in a trailer but play badly in full context.

Julianne Moore is fine as the antagonist but her character is one of those jokes that works better on paper than fully realised and undermines the film as she is too dull a threat, her plot making absolutely no sense and she steals a bit from a far superior billionaire Super-villain. 

There is almost a riposte to the interchangeability of women in the Bond series with our hero here still going out with the Princess from the first movie (perhaps as apologia for the horrendous way she was used as a punchline slash reward at that films conclusion) but other than that this film really wants to put the Man into Kingsman and women are used as side dressing, killed off, humiliated and discarded as the mess of a plot deems necessary. Julianne Moore isnt even deemed interesting enough to be the final villain.

Pretty much a big waste of a talented cast.

there is no salvation without suffering

Contratiempo/The Invisible Guest (2016)

Chosen by Jen on a facebook post looking for suggestions

The sort of twisty turny nonsense in the mold of Presumed Innocent or Gone Girl and I will be discussing some plot beats so be aware the two of you that might read this and want to watch the film.

It hints at being a locked room mystery in the vein of Jonathan Creek but also wants to be a peculiarly specific legal drama (the film though ridden with flashbacks is technically set within one room with just the accused and a witness preparation expert).

It really needed a little extra oomph, a sense of Gone Girl's style or over-the-top silliness to get past being just another slightly dull blue and grey thriller but it does at least one clever thing that almost makes it all worthwhile.

One twist (easily spotted if you've seen a the Magic convention episode of the detective show Psych)

leads interestingly into another, more pointed one that plays with the audience perception of what a film noir is and how femmes fatales operate. 

That second (major one, there's lots of small twist bumps along the way) one is unfortunately let down a little by two things. One: it cant help but try to be too clever and tips it's hand in some of the first bits of dialogue (if someone says "you are not more clever than me" in a movie like this you should probably pay attention). 

And two: a terrible fake nose and wig (although that said, I didnt clock to this until the reveal of the Psych twist, so either it was shot more coyly earlier or I wasn't paying attention).

Still, it's perfectly watchable and if it had a bit more confidence in itself and it's audience (constantly showing you things that just happened like 20 minutes ago as if this were four teevee episodes strung together) could be a minor classic of the unreliable narrator form. 

Unfortunately the most interesting aspect, examining male privilege and how woman are positioned in stories like this is diffused by the nature of the beast - it has to be a mystery with sudden reveals and no real time to explore them before the next reveal.

Are you a punctual and reliable person?

Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009)

Chosen by me whilst at my parents by turning on the teevee 

and finding the first movie that had jut started.

Almost, almost really really good. 

It strips out any sense of extraneous character stuff. Providing a bare bones narrative that is literally just an excuse for the next fight to happen.

And despite being incredibly cheap (there's essentially two locations) manages to be shot well and is an efficient tale with just enough weirdo personality to keep it interesting.

It never quite plays the way you think it will, the 'ultimate rematch' as the cover has it is a good, brutal take down with an amazingly silly over the top death but is given no weight dramatically, as neither Lundgren nor Van Damme appear to have the history given to them in the first film, which plays into the films odd tone as these are just pawns built to kill and nothing more.

Not quite a hidden classic but a solid and fun B movie better than it had any need to be. 

I like your pipe

Big Ass Spider (2013)

Chosen by me as I was staying at my parents and flicked through the channels 

till I found a film that had just started.

Though as flatly directed and cheap as any of those interminable syfy channel movies with various creatures in the title this is a little more fun and a little more clever (not that that would take much).

The pacing is pretty strong, just as it looks like it will take the route of so many lazy, cheap z grade films before it by sticking to some generic looking basements and sewers it opens out into the parks and streets of LA and chomps down on a regulation genre cameo (in this case Troma mascot Lloyd Kaufman).

The sense of fun is palpable in the rather mixed bag of performances, Grunberg and Kramer can't quite make the forced relationship stuff work (he's a creep, she...just ignores that I guess) but Grunberg and Boyar are a great double act and Ray Wise as ever classes up the joint.

What the hell is F.U.B.A.R?

Tango and Cash (1989)

Chosen by me because I was staying at my parents and just put on whatever movie was about to start. Also, loved this when I was younger and my favourite podcast The Flophouse covered it for their 100th episode here (and are super smart and funny in a way im not so go and listen to it)

The original Odd Couple!

One dresses in Armani, the other in slobby clothes. They're miss matched buddy cops. Except they are both exactly the same.

The kind of movie that keeps repeating the main characters names over and over and over again as if a magic chant, that two cops get front page coverage, that has people having sex in a car park during a car chase with no real set up or payoff  just to get some tits in the film, steam is everywhere (it's the 80s), nothing makes sense and has the usual bullshit casual homophobia. Although it's also pretty homoerotic and seems more interested in men's bodies than women's (despite having tits earlier in the film, when they go to a strip club there's no actual nudity). 

It's pretty much an ode to police brutality, in a supposedly eloquent speech Stallone, defending himself from a set-up murder charge, admits in court to the sin of being too aggressive, the police department has some kind of experimental weapons lab with a Q figure.

It's all very silly, things smash (why shoot at someone, when you can shoot at someone through a mirror on a door), things explode, quips are made (not exactly high quality but sold with conviction) and it's the most 80s thing ever made. 

It's full of interesting faces like Michael J. Pollard, Brion James, Eddie Bunker and Robert Z'Dar and uzis. 

Lots of uzis.

It's about as stupid as you can get but mostly fun.

Don't you ever devalue what you do, Mary.

American Mary (2012)

Chosen by Laura after asking on facebook. She had this to say "I didn't find it that scary- more gory. nice light comedy moments too. plus the whole thing is utterly ridiculous" 

Approaching more arthouse than horror territory, this is closer to Cronenberg or Lynch in tone but more aligned with Eli Roth (who gets a nod in the credits) in general quality.

Katherine Isabelle once more rules over all and it's hard to imagine this film working as much as it does without the backbone of her terrific, eccentric performance.

The rest of the cast is uneven though often interesting in the way that more polished movies can flatten out (a Betty Boop inspired body mod fan is sweetly unsettling).

The Soska Twins are far less successful as actors than directors which makes a short but pointless digression with them a bit of a chore.

Their writing is also a little wonky, the first act strong but overlong which unbalances the film and a climax which is too rushed to leave an impact.

I don't know what the actual body mod community would make of this film (because i never do any real research for these reviews) as it both celebrates and exploits them. But perhaps that is appropriate?  The worst people in it are the non-modded. But Mary herself becomes more and more unhinged in her dealings with the community (who all seem to be super rich, and apart from a couple of cases I'm not quite sure why they need an underground doctor?) though it is all kicked into gear by an unpleasant rape scene (though fairly tactful as far as things go in these kind of movies) so it's hard to know if there's any statement being made here or just the trappings of an exploitation movie hung on what-ever background could look interesting.

To be with another woman - that is French. To be caught - that is American.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)

Chosen by me from netflix options as I used to love this film when I was younger 

but hadn't revisited in probably over twenty years.

I think the most surprising thing about this film is how few laughs there actually are.

The first act is a little whimsical perhaps but just about the only joke involves repeatedly pushing a woman into a pot plant gently.

There is a lot more obvious attempts as Caine and Martin start to work together, and then in opposition, but this section has not aged well and is full of ableist stuff that sits uncomfortably with me now.

Caine and Martin (looking quite a bit like an contemporary Harrison Ford) are on fine form generally if a little broad but Glenne Headly is perfect as a sweet naive 'soap queen' with just enough going on behind the eyes to make the fairly obvious twist work even though plotwise I'm not sure it does (they throw in a line at the end to justify it and the film is breezy enough to get away with it I guess).

I have a real soft spot for con-artist movies (and given their ubiquity I'm obviously not the only one) some minor (the stakes are pretty low), some major (that long section with Martin playing an idiot brother) so I still enjoyed it in a low key manner but the actual con mechanics here are almost non-existent.

Martin would go on to have a further stab at con-artistry in another film The Spanish Prisoner, that I also havent watched for a long time, that I recall being very, very good - I wonder if that will have aged better?