You're just in love with how much I love you

Mother! (2017)

Chosen by me as I like going to the cinema a lot though this one took some psyching up to go to.

There is perhaps a key to unlocking what Mother!'s symbolism and plot means. Clearly there is a lot of biblical nonsense going on and at the end it gets very on the nose with relating itself to the pain of the creative process so despite it's what-the-fuckery Mother! is fairly straightforward. In allegorical terms at least - to get there you still have to go along with it's odd (brilliant) pacing, swerves into blackly comic territory and an apocalyptic ending that feels like a Kim Newman novel where society does not need all that much of a push to descend into a bacchanalian frenzy of violence, sex, worship and cannibalism.  And throughout Lawrence is astonishingly good, in almost every frame of the movie she anchors the film's excesses with a deeply committed and emotional performance. Her character may not react the way someone in real life would but you are carried through the film by her anyway.

However what I really want to talk about is what the film meant to me.

We are shaped by the things in our immediate perception. My Nan liked to have the cocktail Snowball. So now forever ingrained in my mind is that a Snowball (which I still don't really know what it is) is an old ladies drink. Even though I've only seen one old lady drink it. We define reality by experience but forget the bias of that experience.

Currently I have been thinking a lot about my mental health. I am often a deeply unhappy and anxious person. I have within the last week sought out therapy for those issues. 

So when I say Mother! is actually all about anxiety I'm aware that it's just something that my bias would be pushing right now.

But Mother! has relayed (and triggered) my anxiety like nothing else.

I'm can't recall if I've talked on these pages about how two people talking next to a road causes me to physically tense up. The screen controls what you can see and without periphery vision (and because of the huge amount of an annoying trope) I'm convinced the people will get hit by a car. Even if it's a charming romance comedy. 

Mother! uses this control of the frame brilliantly, constantly in tight fixed position on Lawrence, the stress comes from never quite knowing what is outside the frame and is deeply unsettling. 

During the film she becomes more and more agitated by people around her. Losing control of the space, not understanding why people won't just listen to her, do the sensible thing. She craves that control, and even when, ostensibly, others are just trying to help, she can't take it, needs them to just let her do it. Every new person that turns up frustrates her more.

And she can't understand why they all like her husband, ignore her, want a physical piece of her work (the house, her child) but make her super uncomfortable.

So yeah, Mother! was super easy for me to understand. 

It's a remarkable, powerful movie, whose ending might be a bit too much but it's more art film than horror story, more a slice of mind than parable. Amazing.

You asked for help, I asked for help. That's how things get done.

I Don't Feel At Home In This World Anymore (2017)

Chosen by Faye on netflix. Well technically I recommended it to her because I knew she liked Elijah Wood and him and Melanie Lynskey worked together on Over the Garden Wall which she loves but then she watched it before I had and reminded me to do so. Who even cares about this bit?

Melanie Lynskey has be quietly doing solid work since her debut (and over shadowing by Kate Winslet) in Heavenly Creatures.

She is an actor of some skill and gets to show a huge range in this interesting, funny, offbeat film.

Understanding that underplaying can be especially effective, her depressed nurse who stumbles into investigating a crime that no-one seems that bothered by is a touching and empathy generating creation even whilst being kind of a prick. Especially in the times the film can be deliberately at a remove, without her it's cold dark humour may be too nihilistic to click.

Wood is very funny playing a creepy, skeevy loner and the two of them fumbling around a friendship is at times quite cute but plays second fiddle to the plot machinations for the most part.

A weird, assured first film from Macon Blair.

it's not his fault he's so ugly

Beauty and the beast (1987)

Chosen by me as part of my musical week 

and because I fell a little for Carmela Marner in Puss in Boots

A story of a woman going from one co-dependant relationship to another.

Again, like Puss in Boots the songs are almost an afterthought and add nothing to the rather dull plodding affair.

There is no level of Christopher Walken-like performance here, no sense of fun.

The Beast's make up is not too bad but John Savage brings nothing to the role that would explain why Rebecca De Mornay would finally answer yes to his repeated request for marriage.

I'm not sure what the message of Beauty and the Beast is meant to be? It seems to suggest it is about seeing beneath surface values but instead mostly just rewards everyone for not changing at all (here have another bucket of coins) and being ok with the imprisonment of an innocent woman.

I am a most strange and extraordinary person.

Cabaret (1972)

Another one reviewed from memory after not seeing it for quite a few years.

In high school I had a lead role in an original musical written by our drama teacher. Despite not being able to sing (when told to sing an octave lower I asked 'what's an octave' and got told to mime - I had no solos so no real problem). It got selected to go to The National Student Drama festival held in scarbourough, which was kinda cool. And whilst there I think one of the things we saw was a production of cabaret. I barely remember it. It left no lasting impression. I was still stubborn in my distaste for musicals (even though I was in one). 

But a couple of years later I went to university and saw Bob Fosse's take on the material and fell in love.

Along with Top Hat, seen a week earlier and reviewed yesterday, this really changed my opionion on what film can do.

Top Hat was sort of classically classy. Old school. Cabaret showed me what else musicals could do.

Musicals did not have to make you feel happy. Musicals did not have to be about trite feelings of love.

Musicals could be passionate about politics, reveal life in it's myriad forms and explain to me exactly why Liza Minelli was a thing (and by golly she is good in this in a way she had never equalled since).

Is there a more perfectly pointed scene showing the rise of tyranny than 'Tomorrow Belongs to Me'?

Though explicitly about the fascism created in post war Germany, it's message is timeless. We are never too far away from the creep of abused power and scapegoated minorities.

But the misery is never overpowering, it remains an enjoyable, exquisitely crafted tale with toe tapping numbers and terrific choreography. That's it's strength. And it's lasting legacy.

You blasted fool, you can't rub a girl with butter!

Top Hat (1935)

Chosen by me for musical week. I've been pretty tired lately so haven't watched this one for many many years so am reviewing from memory so it'll be even more vague than usual.

I really wasn't into musicals for a long time. I didn't get them, but then I did a film and tv studies course at Derby University. We were lucky enough to have a small independent cinema in the building the course was held and we got to see a lot of interesting things there. Over two weeks we saw this and another film (which I will probably cover tomorrow) which simply changed my mind over what musicals were.

I haven't watched this one for a long time so barely recall the plot but what I do vividly recall is coming out of the cinema elated. I dont dance, but I wanted to tap everywhere to 'Cheek to Cheek' - the standout number in this wonderful film. 

Astaire and Rogers were a revelation to me, a graceful, charming double act but funny and sparky.

I also realised that musicals were not all that different from something else I had got into shortly before getting to university - Hong Kong action cinema (and even a bunch of westerns). The trappings were different but the effect was the same.

A grand love for movement, a heightened emotionalism, plot can be perfunctory but character can be revealed through the moves they perform rather than dialogue. 

The thrills they offer reach the same part of the brain and in many ways are pure distilled cinema.

I'm the only one in here I've never heard of.

Sweet Charity (1969)

Chosen by me for Musical theme week 

(I didnt have time to rewatch it so I'm doing this from more distant memory)

One of my favourite musicals.

It is too long, and perhaps too slight but this remake of Fellini's Nights of Cabiria is a pure delight.

Shirley Maclaine is amazing as a worldly but naive proto Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Her big difference being she is the main character so although like most MPDGs, she does not get love at the end, she is not just there to teach some boring man about it either. 

And the end is defined by her hopefulness rather than despair.

But of course the real joy here is the numbers. 'There's Got to be Something Better Than This' a real stormer with Maclaine, Chita Rivera and Paula Kelly blazing up the screen in red, yellow and purple.

Sammy Davis Jnr is very funny as a strange hippie like church leader and then there is Suzanne Charny.

Charny just blows me away with her dancing in the very silly, brilliant Rich Man's Frug section. With Bob Fosse's choreography every part of her becomes a tool for dance. Hair, fingers, the way a back is arched. She's astonishing.

People love what other people are passionate about.

La La Land (2016)

Chosen by me because I go to the cinema a lot for Musical theme week (might be a bit vague as going by memory, having seen it in january)

I used to hate musicals. Just did not get them. 

Now I see them as pure cinema. If a film has a song and dance number in it normally goes up in my estimation. 

I don't dance or sing at all. I am the world's most boring person. But I love seeing people dance.

I especially love singing and dancing about/within mundane things. Across the Universe has a scene set in a high school field where it uses the Football players exercises as the dance choreography.

La La Land opens with a scene set in a traffic jam. The song itself sets up some of the themes perhaps but is otherwise fairly pointless beyond just being fun. And that is more than enough. It's a catchy number too.

There's many beautiful moments in the film, where the sexiest thing is two people holding hands in a cinema.

It perhaps loses a little steam as it goes on, and almost forgets it's a musical. The relationship drama over taking the hollywood fantasy.

Also for a movie all about jazz, it's not so good on the actual jazz. And could barely be more white (having Gosling telling everyone how jazz should be is maybe a little galling).

Still, an absolute delight.

nostalgia is always dangerous

The Apple (1980)

Chosen by me as part of Musical theme week.

Everything about this is just fabulous

What makes a good Bad Movie?

This idea gets looked at a lot in my favourite movie podcast - The Flophouse.

What makes a movie enjoyable even when terrible?

A big part of it can be the communal sharing. Groups of people will get together to watch The Room and wallow together in it's weirdness. I regularly go to an interactive film screening club - Fortune and Glory, which often screens ostensibly awful movies like Super Mario Bros for everyone to enjoy/endure. Watching some of these movies on your own can just highlight how dull they are. With friends around you joke and talk over the boring parts, we've had a couple of those films reviewed on here like The Killer Shrews and sat at my home, alone, they just weren't weren't that fun.

So I think the biggest thing a bad movie needs to be good is a singular vision, a sincere belief in the story it's telling. All too often they try for a cynical nod and a wink at the audience letting us know they know how crap they are. This moribund post modernism results in dreck like Sharknado, a selection of camp non-sensical bits that would play well as youtube videos but show no real craft or passion put together as a whole.

The Apple may be my favourite bad movie of all time.

And it is certainly pretty bad.

The lead has exactly zero charisma.

The villain cannot sing or dance in the slightest.

It has a baffling religious text layered over a baffling version of the future (well 1994) layered over a fairly dull story about the music biz.

And it's just about the best thing ever.

As if to hide how played out the actual story is (The Phantom of the Paradise toyed with the Faustian bargain and music industry far more interestingly) everything is FUTURE. All the cars have plastic fins and bubbles, looking like the car Homer designs in the episode of the Simpsons where he finds his long lost brother.

But what raises this film from a funny but cliche version of future tech is that you see a couple of prams being pushed along by mothers that also have silver fins and plastic bubbles. Because obviously that is how babies should be transported in the FUTURE.

Vladek Sheybal, of From Russia With Love plays the devil like record boss and can't quite pull off a Christopher Walken in Puss in Boots but has a damn good try.

His major song is performed in what looks like an airport lobby with a couple of signs added in to suggest it's a record label headquarters and is just delightfully weird. A company of 'Ballet' dancers in silver (naturally it's the FUTURE) sparkly costumes parade around whilst he sings, well talks with a very, very slight tonal cadence about show-bizness (it's the FUTURE so you can definitely hear the Z).

For wirdness this is only matched by the dream(?) sequence musical number where the two leads are dressed up as Adam and Eve and an Apple (hey it's the title of the movie!) is offered.

Although the seduction number, which is somehow even less subtle than Grease 2's Reproduction song is amazing and simply has the singer say how much she wants to come all over the male lead. Or wants all his come. I dont know that I've ever been so confused and aroused at the same time.

I dont know that i've even scratched the surface of how strange this movie is (I didnt even tell you about Miriam Margoyles playing a broad Jewish stereotype who is introduced being told by a policeman to wear an identifying sticker or how Joss Acklund plays a hippie commune leader who turns out to be God) and how delightful I found it all.

I've never really been into the whole "I love it because of how bad it is" but if all bad movies were this offbeat, this idiosyncratic then sign me up,

Two feet... They're not as easy as I thought they'd be, Master.

Puss in Boots (1988)

Chosen by me from netflix because Christopher Walken is awesome. 

There was some recent moaning about the two leads in LaLa Land not being good song and dance people. I like that movie a lot (and may cover it here soon) and actually really like that Gosling is not the best at, you know, the musical bits (I think Emma Stone is perfectly good). Romance and Cigarettes is another musical I really like with less than talented performers (also, as it happens, featuring the Walkmeister). There's something about throwing yourself so fully into a thing that you dont mind how bad you look that appeals to me. It's endearing.

I dont sing or dance. At all. I can't even sing happy birthday to people. It's an issue and I hate it about myself. Once I went to a club with some friends (a very rare occurrence) and one of them, that I just assumed would be good at dancing, was just terrible. But it didnt matter, he had fun, people respond to that. I have a perpetual rod rammed so far up my backside you can see it if I yawn. 

Christopher Walken is my friend at the club.

It doesn't matter that his singing is pretty awful, that his dancing is not much better. He is having an absolute blast and it almost carries the movie.

Unfortunately it's let down by a couple of things - no-one else is all that great either (Jason Connery has a dubbed singing voice - Nick Curtis - and it's still bad, why bother getting someone else to do it then?) except the astonishingly beautiful Carmela Marner and that the songs are generally pretty dull.

One, a double duet split over two locations is pretty witty though not especially interesting tune wise and anytime Walken throws himself into a song you can't help but be pulled along with it.

I'm not too knowledgeable with the Puss in Boots story, so dont know how this differs, but just as I was finding it iffy using deception to get someone to marry you, Connery comes clean to Marner and she is instrumental in pushing him forwards with his lies to get what she wants (even if that thing is just a man) which whilst not exactly a strong feminist stance is at least giving her some agency. 

And she gets the funniest bit of business in the film, when she fake feints and tries to shoo Connery away in the confusion.

A bit too bland and a shade too long to be a lost classic children's film but fun in parts and worth seeing for Walken's sheer delight in playing a musical cat.

Kingsman is crumpets!

Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)

Chosen by me because I like to go to the cinema a lot.

The first Kingsman movie was trash. But it was trash that almost transcended into something interesting. It's confused mix of nihilism and ultra conservatism didnt quite work as a critique of the status quo loving Bond movies but it did create an indelible image of a bunch of rich privileged arseholes' heads popping off in colourful ways.

This sequel doesn't even come close to matching anything that gleefully bizarre.

All of the action sequences are shot in a strangely heightened manner that makes everything seem as if it is separate instances of computer game cut scenes with the editing in-between being hard to follow with a human eye. This flattens out the fights into dull poses that work in a trailer but play badly in full context.

Julianne Moore is fine as the antagonist but her character is one of those jokes that works better on paper than fully realised and undermines the film as she is too dull a threat, her plot making absolutely no sense and she steals a bit from a far superior billionaire Super-villain. 

There is almost a riposte to the interchangeability of women in the Bond series with our hero here still going out with the Princess from the first movie (perhaps as apologia for the horrendous way she was used as a punchline slash reward at that films conclusion) but other than that this film really wants to put the Man into Kingsman and women are used as side dressing, killed off, humiliated and discarded as the mess of a plot deems necessary. Julianne Moore isnt even deemed interesting enough to be the final villain.

Pretty much a big waste of a talented cast.

there is no salvation without suffering

Contratiempo/The Invisible Guest (2016)

Chosen by Jen on a facebook post looking for suggestions

The sort of twisty turny nonsense in the mold of Presumed Innocent or Gone Girl and I will be discussing some plot beats so be aware the two of you that might read this and want to watch the film.

It hints at being a locked room mystery in the vein of Jonathan Creek but also wants to be a peculiarly specific legal drama (the film though ridden with flashbacks is technically set within one room with just the accused and a witness preparation expert).

It really needed a little extra oomph, a sense of Gone Girl's style or over-the-top silliness to get past being just another slightly dull blue and grey thriller but it does at least one clever thing that almost makes it all worthwhile.

One twist (easily spotted if you've seen a the Magic convention episode of the detective show Psych)

leads interestingly into another, more pointed one that plays with the audience perception of what a film noir is and how femmes fatales operate. 

That second (major one, there's lots of small twist bumps along the way) one is unfortunately let down a little by two things. One: it cant help but try to be too clever and tips it's hand in some of the first bits of dialogue (if someone says "you are not more clever than me" in a movie like this you should probably pay attention). 

And two: a terrible fake nose and wig (although that said, I didnt clock to this until the reveal of the Psych twist, so either it was shot more coyly earlier or I wasn't paying attention).

Still, it's perfectly watchable and if it had a bit more confidence in itself and it's audience (constantly showing you things that just happened like 20 minutes ago as if this were four teevee episodes strung together) could be a minor classic of the unreliable narrator form. 

Unfortunately the most interesting aspect, examining male privilege and how woman are positioned in stories like this is diffused by the nature of the beast - it has to be a mystery with sudden reveals and no real time to explore them before the next reveal.

Are you a punctual and reliable person?

Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009)

Chosen by me whilst at my parents by turning on the teevee 

and finding the first movie that had jut started.

Almost, almost really really good. 

It strips out any sense of extraneous character stuff. Providing a bare bones narrative that is literally just an excuse for the next fight to happen.

And despite being incredibly cheap (there's essentially two locations) manages to be shot well and is an efficient tale with just enough weirdo personality to keep it interesting.

It never quite plays the way you think it will, the 'ultimate rematch' as the cover has it is a good, brutal take down with an amazingly silly over the top death but is given no weight dramatically, as neither Lundgren nor Van Damme appear to have the history given to them in the first film, which plays into the films odd tone as these are just pawns built to kill and nothing more.

Not quite a hidden classic but a solid and fun B movie better than it had any need to be. 

I like your pipe

Big Ass Spider (2013)

Chosen by me as I was staying at my parents and flicked through the channels 

till I found a film that had just started.

Though as flatly directed and cheap as any of those interminable syfy channel movies with various creatures in the title this is a little more fun and a little more clever (not that that would take much).

The pacing is pretty strong, just as it looks like it will take the route of so many lazy, cheap z grade films before it by sticking to some generic looking basements and sewers it opens out into the parks and streets of LA and chomps down on a regulation genre cameo (in this case Troma mascot Lloyd Kaufman).

The sense of fun is palpable in the rather mixed bag of performances, Grunberg and Kramer can't quite make the forced relationship stuff work (he's a creep, she...just ignores that I guess) but Grunberg and Boyar are a great double act and Ray Wise as ever classes up the joint.

What the hell is F.U.B.A.R?

Tango and Cash (1989)

Chosen by me because I was staying at my parents and just put on whatever movie was about to start. Also, loved this when I was younger and my favourite podcast The Flophouse covered it for their 100th episode here (and are super smart and funny in a way im not so go and listen to it)

The original Odd Couple!

One dresses in Armani, the other in slobby clothes. They're miss matched buddy cops. Except they are both exactly the same.

The kind of movie that keeps repeating the main characters names over and over and over again as if a magic chant, that two cops get front page coverage, that has people having sex in a car park during a car chase with no real set up or payoff  just to get some tits in the film, steam is everywhere (it's the 80s), nothing makes sense and has the usual bullshit casual homophobia. Although it's also pretty homoerotic and seems more interested in men's bodies than women's (despite having tits earlier in the film, when they go to a strip club there's no actual nudity). 

It's pretty much an ode to police brutality, in a supposedly eloquent speech Stallone, defending himself from a set-up murder charge, admits in court to the sin of being too aggressive, the police department has some kind of experimental weapons lab with a Q figure.

It's all very silly, things smash (why shoot at someone, when you can shoot at someone through a mirror on a door), things explode, quips are made (not exactly high quality but sold with conviction) and it's the most 80s thing ever made. 

It's full of interesting faces like Michael J. Pollard, Brion James, Eddie Bunker and Robert Z'Dar and uzis. 

Lots of uzis.

It's about as stupid as you can get but mostly fun.

Don't you ever devalue what you do, Mary.

American Mary (2012)

Chosen by Laura after asking on facebook. She had this to say "I didn't find it that scary- more gory. nice light comedy moments too. plus the whole thing is utterly ridiculous" 

Approaching more arthouse than horror territory, this is closer to Cronenberg or Lynch in tone but more aligned with Eli Roth (who gets a nod in the credits) in general quality.

Katherine Isabelle once more rules over all and it's hard to imagine this film working as much as it does without the backbone of her terrific, eccentric performance.

The rest of the cast is uneven though often interesting in the way that more polished movies can flatten out (a Betty Boop inspired body mod fan is sweetly unsettling).

The Soska Twins are far less successful as actors than directors which makes a short but pointless digression with them a bit of a chore.

Their writing is also a little wonky, the first act strong but overlong which unbalances the film and a climax which is too rushed to leave an impact.

I don't know what the actual body mod community would make of this film (because i never do any real research for these reviews) as it both celebrates and exploits them. But perhaps that is appropriate?  The worst people in it are the non-modded. But Mary herself becomes more and more unhinged in her dealings with the community (who all seem to be super rich, and apart from a couple of cases I'm not quite sure why they need an underground doctor?) though it is all kicked into gear by an unpleasant rape scene (though fairly tactful as far as things go in these kind of movies) so it's hard to know if there's any statement being made here or just the trappings of an exploitation movie hung on what-ever background could look interesting.

To be with another woman - that is French. To be caught - that is American.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)

Chosen by me from netflix options as I used to love this film when I was younger 

but hadn't revisited in probably over twenty years.

I think the most surprising thing about this film is how few laughs there actually are.

The first act is a little whimsical perhaps but just about the only joke involves repeatedly pushing a woman into a pot plant gently.

There is a lot more obvious attempts as Caine and Martin start to work together, and then in opposition, but this section has not aged well and is full of ableist stuff that sits uncomfortably with me now.

Caine and Martin (looking quite a bit like an contemporary Harrison Ford) are on fine form generally if a little broad but Glenne Headly is perfect as a sweet naive 'soap queen' with just enough going on behind the eyes to make the fairly obvious twist work even though plotwise I'm not sure it does (they throw in a line at the end to justify it and the film is breezy enough to get away with it I guess).

I have a real soft spot for con-artist movies (and given their ubiquity I'm obviously not the only one) some minor (the stakes are pretty low), some major (that long section with Martin playing an idiot brother) so I still enjoyed it in a low key manner but the actual con mechanics here are almost non-existent.

Martin would go on to have a further stab at con-artistry in another film The Spanish Prisoner, that I also havent watched for a long time, that I recall being very, very good - I wonder if that will have aged better?

the measure of love is what one is willing to give up for it

Pandora and the Flying Dutchman (1951)

Chosen by Ni from a facebook request where she had this to say "it's odd and lovely"

A talky, slightly dull retelling of the Flying Dutchman tale.

It's rather well shot shot but stagy in it's direction and the ponderous voice-over is there to smooth over the cracks in storytelling (the passage of time is a little confusing/undefined).

It's central thesis, quoted in my title is not as romantic as it thinks it is and instead presents a deeply problematic response to female sexual independence. Literally she has to die to give him his release from a curse. We're meant to believe it's for love but see no evidence of that, no reason that Mason is any better a fit for her than the Bullfighter or race car driver. 

Gardner is a beauty but can never quite make the collection of odd quirks into a character, and she is still miles more interesting than anybody else. 

There is a selfishness and demonic humour to her moving through life just trailing men behind her but despite suicide, destruction and murder attempts (also a dog is killed - off screen - if that kind of thing bothers you) the movie is too staid and boring to make her an icon of empowerment instead her purpose in life is to be the solution to a man's problem.

Tell people individual elements and it could sound like a fun over-the-top melodrama but it's too lethargically paced, and too po-faced in it's morality.

I wish you would be like other dads and stay home and barbeque

Joysticks (1983)

Chosen by me because I put out a call for inspiration on facebook. This was not actually recommended (christ how could it be?) but someone said Zardoz and I replied with a picture of Starburns from Community in a Zardoz costume and that led me to watching the Koogler trailer from that episode which features a song from this film. So, yeah.

This is actually sexier and funnier than anything in the movie.

 Do these kind of movies even exist anymore? American Pie reinvigorated the form for a while perhaps.

This is one of those films that may have been a staple on HBO programming in the 80s. 

Enough tits to keep anyone interested in that sort of thing awake but with no redeemable aspect what-so-ever.

Like a lot of the nerd comedies at least one of the scenes is basically just sexual assault.

it seems to exist in a strange world where young women pop their tops off in public so they can photograph a poindexter in his boxers. Why? Fuck knows. His being in his boxers is treated as though he was naked and none of it makes sense.

The jokes are essentially non-existent, though a fat guy does eat and fart a lot. That's basically it.

Tits are revealed about every 8 minutes, thought it's mostly the same two actors doing the load bearing work of this film.

Joe Don Baker plays the big bad dad determined to close the video arcade and his daughter is played by Veronica Mars' mom with a very strange valley girl accent that is so bad it's almost avant garde and the only thing of interest in the film.

This is the far superior Koogler

The french have a saying: It's the fate of glass to break.

Spectre (2015)

Chosen by me as I hadn't watched it since it was on at the flicks and I never finished the blogalongabond project from years ago, so I might fill in the gaps.

Bond's Intro: Pretty cool. He's done up in a skeleton costume and followed along by a sort of pointless one shot through a parade, into a hotel and over some rooftops. Why is a one shot look take? Who knows? Presumably Sam Mendes is a fan of Touch of Evil.

Theme Song and Credits: The song is a pretty lacklustre affair (mirroring much of the movie perhaps?), a lethargic swan song. The credits feature the usual silhouetted tits and guns but also feature a lot more naked Bond than most and have a weird octopus motif that skews uncomfortably close to tentacle porn.

  
The Ladies: Monica Bellucci and Lea Seydoux. And here is one of the films biggest problems (and it has a few). Bellucci in her five minutes of screen time is so much more interesting and has so much more chemistry with Craig than Seydoux (who was excellent in The Lobster, reviewed recently) who is a slight nothing of a character. At one point we are told by somebody that the daughter of an asssassin is the perfect partner for Bond but we never really get the sense of that connection which means the ending doesn't work at all.

The Baddies: This does what Star Trek Into Darkness did and hides a well known to the audience baddie under a different name for most of it's running time. The only purpose of which is too fool people before the film comes out who look at imdb listings. And it never works. Everybody knew he was Khan. Everybody knew he was Blofeld. So it just seems a waste of everybody's time. 

This also does one of those annoying things where it crafts a personal connection between hero and foe to no appreciable gain what-so-ever. God forbid we just want to watch Bond do his job saving the world and watch Blofeld do his job fucking the world up without some lousy daddy issue stuff.

Andrew Scott is mostly garbage, an oily haired scuzzball whose reveal as a baddie is tossed off casually because who the hell didnt know that from 2 seconds of looking at him.

Dave Bautista looks cool but doesn't really leave a lasting impression.

License to Kill: God knows how many innocent people are killed as Bond brings down a block and a half of mexican real estate.

Bond hates foreigners: See above. Also the films casual confusing of mexican day of the dead and rio style parades. 

He's pretty reckless in all these foreign countries but then again he brings a helicopter crashing down on London streets, so that's just his way I guess.

Bond hates women: All the women are just used to further his needs. Even the sex seems an afterthought. He does leave Bellucci a way out of her predicament (make her main character in the next one. make her main character in the next one. make her main character in the next one)

Bond's crazy knowledge: That is a 1948 Rolls Royce Silver Wraith

Bond's a big fat snob: They position him (and more directly M) as hard working men who get their hands dirty as opposed to Andrew Scott's went to school with the home secretary knobend.

00's killed: None but 009 does have his car stolen by Bond.

Mini overview: A rather damp affair. Craig is great as usual but the whole thing just isn't interesting enough to last it's exceptionally long running time. The action sequences are ok but curiously uninvolving lacking any real pulse pounding moments, though the helicopter stunt at the start is cool. None of the personal stuff works so great chunks of drama are inert (does anybody care that Blofeld is a sort of brother to James Bond?). The first half is stronger which leads to a deflated feeling when Bond quits to be with Seydoux. 

I know you're probably feeling a lot of emotion right now, but please refrain from using the term "thundercunt."

Spy (2015)

Chosen by me from netflix. I recall liking this movie a lot when it came out at the cinema.

A very funny reteaming of Paul Feig and his muse Melissa Mccarthy.

More than just a collection of "hey she's fat and stupid" jokes that the trailer kind of made it out to be, Mccarthy is the butt of a lot of gags but only by virtue of the fact she is the lead in a comedy. It's important to note that Jude Law and Jason Statham (very funny here) are just as idiotic and not nearly as interesting.

It is foul mouthed and more than a little offensive and not everything makes the landing - there's a few too many gags about sexual assault/groping that never really find a point worth making.

The plotting is fairly ramshackle (a fairly obvious reveal does have an extra twist on it though which is nice) but the action is competent and the laughs a plenty. It works because it makes Mccarthy's character good at her job despite the silliness and buffoonery going on.

Oh and in fucking terrible imdb reviews news here's a gem - "Directors... there is nothing uglier than a pretty woman with a foul mouth. " 

ugh.

I know you play mysterious and aloof just to avoid getting hurt

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (2010)

Chosen by me and watched as part of a brilliant interactive film club Fortune and Glory, hosted in Nottingham. This one involved taking a shot of milk when Todd's powers were lost, playing inflatable guitars when bands were performing and throwing coins in the air when Gideon explodes.

One of the most perfectly cast movies of all time (and featuring a Captain America, Superman, Captain Marvel and Punisher) with every role just filled out to perfection from Mark Webber's jittery band leader, Aubrey Plaza's censored expletive ridden hard worker, Kieran Culkin's sardonic room-mate and most especially Ellen Wong's young, naive but powerful Knives Chau (honestly i could just single out every single player and state why they are so good). She's real hero of this movie.

Scott himself, remains like the early volumes of the comic, a bit of an arsehole. His transformative arc, a major part of the latter books, is greatly truncated though still reasonable effective (Alison Pill's slight eyebrow reaction to his apology does a lot of the work). He manages to stay on the right side of annoying due to being very funny and having enough of a touch of cluelessness to make his arseholery not entirely unpalatable. 

There is a big strange imbalance, however. The film does a great job of showing how Scott and Knives are great together, we see them having a lot more fun than Scott and Ramona, which is directly referenced in the final fight with Gideon. And because the growing up aspect of his character doesn't work (the books are set over a longer period, he and Ramona live together for a year or so, have more of a connection beyond her using his dreamspace as a short cut for her delivery job) it feels strange he picks (and indeed is helped to pick by Knives) the more distant but mature partner.

That said, relationships in general do not come off great in this film, full of broken people, cheaters and stalkers.

Edgar Wright shows his complete control of the medium. One of the few comedic directors who knows how to use every tool to make a gag work, the dialogue is brilliant (having the sense to be often verbatim from the books), the editing terrific (seriously why do so few comedies look this good?) and the music, sound, special effects all in service of making it as funny and interesting as possible.

I can't believe she's going out with him, you know?

Enter the Void (2009)

Chosen by Faye who had this to say about it "it didn't make me feel anything and I thought it would be a film that made you emotional aha" and "You must [watch it] because I don't know anyone who has seen it and I need to be like WTF"

It begins with credits that are too fast for the eye to take in. A whirl of colour and shapes (typographical nerds may have a field day pausing this sequence) that seems to suggest the movie can't wait to begin. And then the film itself starts and never goes anywhere for it's interminable running time.

Recently I looked at A Ghost Story which does everything this film does but at half the time and manages to be more compelling and offers more thought than this juvenile exercise in "hey, man, death is trippy" pointlessness.

The performances are mostly empty, sub day time soap style.

The ending strives for deep profundity but is obvious from the moment reincarnation is mentioned. The tacky incestuousness aspect to the main characters there merely to provoke...outrage, titillation? It's generally unclear what the point of the whole endeavour is?

It is well shot, and technically orchestrated but to no appreciable benefit.  

I'm getting old. I can't bear it.

Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

Chosen by me as Paul Williams has turned up in things such as Community and Baby Driver and I thought I should give this a whirl.

A pantomine, over-the-top silly bit of nonsense. And great for it.

It's not a long film but it still spends perhaps a little too much time with the dully annoying Winslow leach before he becomes the Phantom (the allusion to Leroux is obvious but thrown into the mix are faust, frankenstein and the monkees).

Nobody here has what could even be close to a natural acting style, which fits the on the nose satire of media and slams against the record industry but mean any emotional resonance is lost in the signal to noise ratio.

The songs are not bad but only The Hell of It has an immediate iconic power.

Very much a proto-De Palma movie with an overt reference to Hitchcock, some split screen, heightened sense of reality and a lack of care to character logic.

Maybe too culty for mainstream enjoyment but a fun, unusual film that should tickle a very specific audience.

Bon... jour...

Le Dernier Combat (1983)

Another one of Andrew's dvds that has sat on my shelf for over 3 years. Sorry Andrew.

There is unfortunately something rotten at the core of this film.

It has some striking imagery, an interesting post apocalyptic vision of lost society. 

One group are dressed in mockery of businessmen going to work, the titular last battle is a redux of medieval Knights (earlier the main character has a weapon looking like a lance). 

The lack of dialogue keeps one of Besson's big weaknesses away and though the Eric Serra score sometimes jars that disconnect between what's happening on screen and 80s synth pop produces great results.

However the whole thing hinges on horrid misogyny in a way that isn't really questioned. 

At first the lack of women (we literally see more of a blow up doll than we do of any actual female) seems an interesting element - either a symptom of, or reason for, the apocalyptic mess these men find themselves in.

But then, both the ostensibly kindly doctor and the more brutal 'businessmen' are revealed to be keeping women prisoner. And both times they are offered up to the main character as a prize. The dvd chapter heading literally labels itself at one of these points as 'The victor's spoils'.

Are we meant to think the main character and the doctor are as bad as the brute? If so, this point seems lost by the visual storytelling.

Ugh.

he didn't think that the first thing most people do when they realise someone doesn't love them anymore is cry.

The Lobster (2015)

Chosen by Faye. Well, technically I had it on my netflix queue for ages but she gave me the kick up the arse to finally get around to it.

What makes a couple? What makes being in a couple better? What would you do for your partner? Should you have something in common? Why?

The Lobster examines these issues in a brutally miserable way but is never less than incredibly funny. It seems to be set in a world where the fantastical element is not just that people are forced into couple-hood and turned into animals if they cannot do so but that no-one has a sense of humour. It constantly derives laughs by playing an absurd, goofy scene straight and the characters never react quite the way you think people should.

It's brilliantly performed by an array of terrific actors (John C. Reilly, Olivia Coleman, Lea Seydoux, Ashely Jensen and so many more) which helps level the more illogical, allegorical aspects into something more dramatic and emotional.

A deadpan knife to the heart.

We had part of a Slinky. But I straightened it.

Ghostbusters 2 (1989)

Chosen by me from Netflix. I review the original here.

Pretty much terrible. My review of the previous film mentioned that no-one had any arcs, there was no real plot but it was funny and zipped along. This has all the problems of the first without the good stuff.

It spends close to forty minutes just to get back to the point that the last one ended on. 

Because movies don't believe we can be interested in people being good at their jobs or in healthy relationships. 

Bill Murray doesnt work as an underdog because he never acts like one - he is all smugness and unwarrented confidence. Yet we spend an interminable time with him in this function.

It tries to over-compensate by having too much of a plot, but none of it really makes sense (is there some deleted scene explaining why it has to be Weaver's baby used for the big bad's scheme?) and any hurdle is too easily gotten over.

I don't think I covered the remake for these pages but that is far superior to this and more consistent than the original.

Being a loner is better

Tokyo Drifter (1966)

Chosen by Andrew some years ago and the dvd has sat on my shelf since then. Sorry Andrew.

One of the things that is not brought up a lot in regards to film crit. is that outside factors can affect you.

Perhaps that subway sandwich was sitting heavy and your squirmed uncomfortable through the whole thing. Maybe you just had some terrible news. Or you were sat next to someone you really liked.

No person is a vacuum. And some of things can sway you sub-consciously. 

Obviously you try to be dispassionate about those things, distancing them from the film, but who knows how you might have felt a different day.

All of this is to say - I was kind of in a foul mood when I watched Tokyo Drifter. So I'm not sure I really followed all it's plot. I lost track of some of the names and faces, though I had the broad strokes by the end and a quick wiki suggests I hadnt missed much detail.

Even so, Tokyo Drifter is a rather fabulous film.

Puncturing the ideals of loyalty and tradition it stands as a stylish rebuke to some yakuza stories.

And oh that style.

A weird mix of pop art, gangster and western influences. Every other frame feels like it could be used to run on the One Perfect Shot twitter account for weeks.

Blue and red suits contrast the 'hero' and villain. Sunglasses are reached for in gunfights. This is more avant-garde than thriller and clearly owes a debt to Goddard though it's less interested in the characters lives than he would be.

An extended riff on the western bar room brawl prefigures the spoof Casino Royale and becomes more and more ridiculous as it goes on.

An idiosyncratic delight.

What good thing has ever happened in a cornfield, Al?

Little Evil (2017)

Chosen by me from Netflix. 

International treasure Adam Scott (who despite his lovable turn in Parks and Rec seems to mostly play douche-bags) is brilliant in this clever and well observed pastiche of demon child movies (most notably of course The Omen).

It's not quite as funny and interesting as Eli Craig's previous movie Tucker and Dale Vs Evil (reviewed here) the jokes not quite as fast and fun. It gets a lot of it's mileage by acknowledging we as viewers know these tropes and know that the characters understand them too. Scott references having watched The Omen directly in a funny bit that comes just before the film flips expectations and strives for something heartfelt. It may lose some of the more horror bent audience at this point but the film becomes funnier and about something more than just getting points for having seen a lot of scary films.

Evangeline Lilly gets a bit lost in all the father stuff though she has some nice bits of business as a doting mother who thinks every horrible thing her son does is adorable.

Also great is Bridget Everett whose part in the very funny group of step-fathers (who each have their own evil children to deal with) in counselling brings a welcome level of different energy to the film.

why

Inhumans (2017)

Chosen by me as I go to the cinema a lot. Also I quite like the idea of supporting teevee events on the big screen. Of course that has it's downsides.

There's no real reason for this to be an IMAX event. It just highlights the flat television look and deficiencies in plot and character than if watching at home, where you might be making a cup of tea or browsing the internet at the same time this would be on.

Though perhaps not quite as bad as early reports had it, Inhumans is certainly not especially good.

It does a terrible job of answering why we should bother being interested in these characters with a very strange beginning that makes our leads arseholes (they rule over a caste system that subjugates and enforces labour on people based on genetics and show no remorse or desire to change the status quo). This seems to be Scott Bucks typical style as he came off Iron Fist which had a similar awful lead character issue to create this. 

It seems at times as if it wants to be a sort of Marvel take on Game of Thrones but forgets to cast iconic actors in engaging roles. 

It's so confused about the story it's telling that ostensible big bad Maximus is going to be the one in the right but then he turns out to be a creepy prick (obvious - as he's played by Iwan Rheon) with Medusa rejection issues.

Ken Leung's Karnak and Eme Ikwuakor's Gorgon are the general bright spots but each of them is given bits of business that mark them as arseholes the same as everybody else. 

Crystal is just the fucking worst.

I wanted to make something that people would see

Dave Made a Maze (2017)

Chosen by me. Available on amazon video. And James Urbaniak should be in everything.

This is the third or fourth time I've done filmaday. It normally doesn't last long. I have little follow through. My business has only lasted 8 years because I was too lazy too to accept it's failure and find a real job. My parents still give me money to buy things. And I don't know why they like me. I'm massively boring and these projects (I have started one for comics too) are ill-thought out attempts to make people find me interesting. Even opening my own store was done to effectively force people to be my friends.

Dave made a Maze is not subtle (it even hangs a lampshade on how on the nose it is) but it resonated with me quite a bit.

And if it doesn't for you it should still offer some pleasures. Like a minor Charlie Kaufmann riff, it is odd and endearing. Playful and a little deadly. The fact that the blood and guts is done with streamers and ribbons make the booby trap scenes no less brutal.

Meera Rohit Kumbhani (great in the little seen short lived sit-com Weird Loners) as the girlfriend of the titular Dave is terrific - making you care about this dull straight white guy's problems more than you probably should with just a glance or the way she is delighted by some of what he has created.

It may be one note but the gag of the documentary crew following them around never stops being funny (it helps the film is only about 80 mins).