Wednesday, 4 April 2012

More of a problem eliminator

Licence to Kill (1989)



Bond's Intro: The movie itself starts with a strong confident musical blast. Bond in suit for Leiter wedding. Strictly as an observer of course. We get some gun play and a cool stunt as Bond fishes for a plane.

Theme Song and Credits: Tenuous camera theme (well i guess there's a gadget later) with the usual naked dancing ladies and some casino stuff thrown in for good measure. The song is decent if unspectacular but annoyingly it always sounds like she's singing 'licence to kilt' to me. Lazenby is long gone, woman!

The Ladies: Talisa Soto is stunning and both her and Carey Lowell are more nuanced and interesting than most.

The Baddies: Robert Davi's Sanchez is not the usual Bond villain type but has genuine menace, the scheme may just be drugs but as the movie has a more personal feel it there are heightened stakes. The faux religious guru is kinda daft (Bond movies have never done satire particularly well - Tomorrow Never Dies the most overt attempt perhaps). Benicio Del Toro brings some lunacy to proceedings ("Honeymooooon") and Truman Lodge has a stupid name. Everyone else is fairly bland.

License to Kill: Maggot, electric eel and shark. Bond gets creative early with this one. Nice venomous kill with a harpoon too. Compliments of Sharky. In about the space of ten minutes he's killed more people than in the entirety of some other films. We see Bond play out a fairly complicated (but failed) assassination attempt. Goons are generally blown up or shot, Del Toro gets a horrid end and "do you want to know the reason why?" may be the best kiss off line Bond's ever given because it isn't a stupid gag.

Bond hates foreigners: Well, he kills a lot of them.

Bond hates women: "Ha ha ha. We're south of the border. It's a man's world" He's generally quite dismissive of Pam Bouvier.

Bond's crazy knowledge: None really except creative ways of killing people.

Bond's a big fat snob: No real examples of this either.

00's killed: 007 quits.

Mini overview: The last Bond film I was unable to see at the cinema (too young for it's controversial 15 cert, the violence was a bit more intense but also it has more swearing than any other) which is unfortunate as it's one of my favourites. Strong action throughout with a few touches of silliness (stupid winking fish) are held together by a simple compelling plot. Bond wants revenge. Done. Yet it is populated with characters who have their own agendas and reveal how Bond's bull headed blundering has costs (a British agent wouldn't have been killed if it wasn't for him, though this isn't brought up  - but the film can hardly stop for a scene of his family crying over the news I guess) he doesn't consider and ultimately doesn't care about. Dalton is again terrific (I could fall in love with that laugh) and it's a real shame we didn't get more from him.
James Bond will return say the credits, but it tool a bit longer than usual.

Monday, 26 March 2012

There's 24 of us Gale, only one comes out.

The Hunger Games (2012)

A solid, good looking film with a personable lead. 
The movie suffers a little from it's second hand nature (yes the game itself is similar to Battle Royale but only on a superficial level) but makes up for it in small details. One of it's strengths is it's general lack of exposition, it expects you to pick on on things mentioned off hand and grants a measure of intelligence to it's audience (or it could just be expecting the sizeable following of the book to fill in the blanks themselves).
This strength comes at a price though. It is not clear how everything works in this film (not least why the hell it is called the hunger games in the first place) so when the rules are changed it lacks impact and unfortunately makes the ending a touch inert.

Likewise it spends a commendable time setting up the world (if slightly vaguely) and Jennifer Lawrence's place in it but when it comes to the others in the game it's hard to work up any interest beyond 'oh she's angelic looking and helps someone for some reason'. A character who survives most of the game by not being seen in the film suggest an interesting underdog backstory (she ranks poorly in the trials but makes it to top four) but she like most others is a wisp ( i only recall her because of her striking red hair not sure if she was even named in the film) of nothing.

It plays the drama all too coyly, there is no sense of great betrayal when a character hooks up with the 'nasty gang' because it's hard to see what makes them any worse than anybody else. A sympathetic character's death barely registers (to me - at least the film reacts as if it's an important event just doesn't justify it being so) because it dances around the idea that Lawrence would eventually have to kill her anyway.

Gary Ross brings a real tangible, tactile feel to the film that greatly helps smooth over the vagueness. Doubled with Lawrence's terrific performance it makes for an interesting, decent kids story with just enough hints at depth to satisfy.

Also every time I saw Wes Bently:

I hoped to see:
But alas, no Starburns for me.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

This is a unique and dramatic situation!

The Descendants (2011)

Right this isn't a review of the film, though in some ways it is. But really it's just a cheap mother's day present.

I'm not sure my Nan found this very funny


This is my Nan and Grandad at their 60th wedding anniversary. My sister and I spent a lot of time at theirs as kids and, as grandparents are want to do, were spoiled rotten. They had a great place to be young at. There was a big quarry with an abandoned car at the bottom and some empty sheds that were fun to play around. Nan would make superb trifles amongst other things. Grandad had ferrets and greenhouses and made wine, things that are still bafflingly alien to me even (or especially) now.

The had two children, one of whom grew up and became

Dad with Jack the most recent descendant of this line, though not for long.
My Dad. I have written of this before, but certainly not on here, my Dad apparently worried that as he worked a lot when I was younger he didn't spend as much time with his kids as he would have liked. I have no memory of a lack. Dad was always a presence, I recall vividly playing between his legs when very small, him lifting his legs up so I rested on the shins and pretended to fly. Even now my Dad is always there for me. If my bath leaks he will make the 2 hour journey to fix it.





My Grandad (though not by blood) and Grannie. As they lived in Germany for much of my life I saw them less than my Dad's parents, though my memories are no less warm. Grandad always seemed to be reading something interesting, I think some of my love for books comes from seeing him read so much. I remember a gift he gave me that was a box that could make a pound coin disappear. He sadly passed away some years ago and I was grateful to receive some of his Graham Greene books, an author I came to by myself a few years before but like to feel there was some connection to an intelligent and interesting man.
Grannie is one of those people who seems to know everyone. She had many children of her own and a large number of grandchildren. We often went on walks to pick blackberries or some such but a large abiding part of the memory is that we would stop by every person we passed for her to chat with. She too instilled a great sense of discovery in books and storytelling in me, creating tales of Bertie the Gnome (i'm going to be terribly embarrassed if that wasn't his name but I have an awful memory for details) to entertain us youngsters.

They raised many children one of whom grew up to give birth to me


I don't know anyone stronger than my Mother (not in the Superman sense, though I'm pretty sure she could beat him up if she wanted). She has been through so much, put up with so much, sacrificed so much and asks for nothing in return. I am awful for forgetting birthdays, special occasions but she doesn't hold that against me. She brought me up to have a sense of what is right in the world (I don't think she is particularly left wing but her sense of decency led me, amongst other things, to being very socially leftist), that someone will always love me no matter how much of an arse I can be. She deserves better but would never say so. I may not have inherited her taste (I'm not sure I can forgive her for liking the Transformers movie) but she allowed me to nurture my own (even if she wouldn't on a summers day let me read in my room - so I would go outside and read sat on my skateboard instead) and always supports my endeavours. 

These are the amazing people I am descended from.

Saturday, 17 March 2012

You've had your eight, now I have my eighty.

The Living Daylights (1987)

Bond's Intro: Another new actor, Dalton gets some thrilling heroics here (also we get to see the 00 section operating as complete idiots which at least gives Bond's terrible performance in many of the movies some context - he's bossed around by a guy that thinks having an office in the back of a troop carrier plane is a good idea) on top a speeding jeep before casually dismissing any thoughts to being a secret agent at all by spilling his name and code number in front of his next fuck. Not to mention the fact that a 00 agent and a bunch of soldiers have just been murdered, but god forbid he gets his report in promptly. So, different face but business as usual. Also Bond is surprised by a monkey.

Theme Song and Credits: Not one of Binder's best efforts. Gone are the perky nips and suggestions of brazillian waxing, in come pasties (at least I assume so unless the gymnastic lady had no nipples) and merkins. It has a vague liquid theme and ends with a sleepy looking woman in a wine glass (she's probably bored by the dreary Ah-Ha song)

The Ladies: Maryam D'abo is stunning but her character too naive to be truly sexy. 


The Baddies: Not a very inspiring lot. A wet Russian , an annoying American 'General' and a henchmen who has a talent for mimicry and using silly weapons (headphones and exploding milk bottles)

License to Kill: Man, this would be my favourite Bond film of all time  if he killed that monkey at the beginning. But alas. Let's a man plummet to his death (well he gets blown up before hitting the ground anyway) at the start and towards the end of the film, bashes another with a bust, not a great showing.


Bond hates foreigners: Clearly frustrated with the Morrocan street performers but pays them off rather than, say, shooting them. "Don't worry, they'll save you for the harem" 

Bond hates women: He's rather callous in using Milovy (im not sure posing as her boyfriends pal and then seducing her was the best plan). Tears off the clothes of Pushkin's mistress to serve as distraction. Knocks over some old ladies laundry. Of course having one of the Mujarhedin exclaim 'women!' is troubling for all sorts of reasons.


Bond's crazy knowledge: death to spies minister (well not so crazy for him to know about assassins of his work colleagues i guess even if a programme ended 20 years earlier). Pickett's charge was up Cemetary Ridge, not Little Round Top.

Bond's a big fat snob: the brand in the list was questionable sir, so I took the liberty of choosing something else

00's killed: 004 who looks a little like John Oliver. And it doesn't really count but an unnumbered 00 (listed in credits as 002 and played by Herne the Hunter from The Box of Delights) is shot by paintgun after getting tangled in a tree. Poor, pathetic, obsequious Saunders shows why I never use automatic doors.

Mini overview: It sits uncomfortably between Roger Moore silliness and a more gritty take on Bond. It features some decent set pieces (the dangling out the back of the plane is still cool as seen by it's appropriation in the recent third game of the Uncharted series) but lacks anything terribly interesting and skirts close to being rather dull. Dalton is pretty damn good though. And John Rhys Davies brings more menace to his role than the actual bad guys do.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Well, that is a sucker punch to the gonads.

Get Smart (2008)

There is an unfortunate reliance on modish toilet humour and it can't seem to make up it's mind whether Maxwell Smart is rubbish at being a spy or genuinely canny and adept.
Luckily a number of the jokes do hit home and the cast are mostly game with Dwayne Johnson once again sending up his image quite well even if a last act reveal will surprise no-one. 

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Disobey, and you die.

Eagle Eye (2008)

Astoundingly bad, along with Wanted probably the stupidest film of the year.
Dull, nonsensical action scenes punctuate pointless exposition and a less than thrilling mystery. 

Thursday, 8 March 2012

I used to have fun

Mamma Mia! (2008)

Abba unfortunately just don't have the range of songs and styles as, say, the Beatles so a film using only their music finds itself severley limited in its' storytelling abilities. As such Mamma Mia just goes round in circles both plot wise and musically. The female members of the cast basically just screech their dialogue at each other as if acting to the back seats though Streep does exude some sexiness as a free spirited independent woman (even if she is let down by the films desire to have a wedding, any old wedding no matter what). 

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

He has a bomb... and puppies!

You Don't Mess With the Zohan (2008)

Absolutely awful. Aiming squarely to gross you out rather than make you laugh ('oh look he's fucking old ladies how horrid' or not, it wasn't even that shocking when the Producers did it) it fails on every level. Broad performances drown out the occasional clever line ('you should stay in the army, where it's safe') and genuine, well constructed gags are few and far between.

Monday, 5 March 2012

Can't Smile Without You

Hellboy 2 (2008)

The plotting is a complete mess, a string of set pieces with little rhyme nor reason between them and poorly written characterisation especially for Selma Blair and Doug Jones.
However Del Toro has a great visual eye and coupled with strong performances from everybody the film is a slight but enjoyable romp.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

tra la la

Bumper pack of 2008 movies.

To make up for lost time last year and lack of weekends this year I give a bonus 8 films today. Enjoy. Or, you know, not. Whatever.

Pineapple Express
Personable and fun due to a good cast but has few actual jokes to keep it going rather coasting on it's charm until a silly action film ending.

Tropic Thunder
Pretty much a Ben Stiller Show sketch writ large including a carry over character.
It is loud and silly but has some great gags and zips along just fine.

Death Race
Not even interesting enough to be offensive, it completely misses the fun of the oringinal and fails to compensate on it's own terms. Also navigators on a circular track?

How to lose Friends and Influence People.
This lacks the balls to be a great black comedy (it neuters itself at every turn and changes names 'to protect the innocent - or litigious maybe) but canny casting, Anderson and Bridges are great in small roles, makes it amusing enough but little lasts in the memory.

Igor
It suffers from being second hand Burton or Johnenn Vasquez and has irritating sidekick syndrome but has a good sense of style none-the-less and some neat and quite dark humour.

City of Ember
Excellent children's fantasy which a splendid design sense and good performances. It doesn't all quite make sense (why the giant insects and moles?) but moves along briskly and doesn't talk down to it's target audience.

Bangkok dangerous
Trite seen it all before Hitman nonsense. A couple of moments of style do little to liven it up but it never bad enough to be laughable either.

Rocknrolla
More of the same from number one 'mockney' Guy Ritchie. Another good cast are given his dreary dialogue and plot motions which he tries to hide beneath a surfeit of style. It's watchable enough but has a worrying homophobic strain running through it.

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Intuitive improvisation is the secret of genius

A View to a Kill (1985)

So yeah. I've missed a few of these. Maybe I will get back to fill them in but I doubt it.

Bond's Intro: Be-parkered (which thankfully hides the stuntman far more ably than later scenes manage). The skiing sequences are once again pretty good, nothing on the scale of OHMSS but decent even with the strange choice to suddenly play the Beach Boys over the soundtrack. A moment that I used to hate but on this viewing found oddly compelling, compared to a lot of the jokes the Bond films suffered in the Moore years it feels almost clever (unfortunately the silly iceberg sub is business as usual).

Theme Song and Credits: A belter of a tune from Duran Duran but the credits suffer from a dreadful fire theme and awful dancing.

The Ladies: Possibly the worst bunch ever in a Bond film. Grace Jones is a moderately interesting presence, nicely complimenting Walken's strangeness but has little depth to her character, though a last minute hero turn is played better than it is written. Tanya Roberts is fairly dull, her character mostly useless (about the only thing she does is turn on a siren) and Fiona Fullerton just awful. Jenny Flex is a name.

The Baddies: If anything works in this film it's Walken's offbeat turn as Max Zorin. With his curious vocal mannerisms he makes for a fine villain. The way he reacts to everything is so playfully psychotic. Perhaps one of my favourite death scenes, the little chuckle he gives before plummeting to a watery grave is delightful. I also enjoy the silliness of the Nazi doctor (i have no idea why he plays with the dynamite at the end but it amuses me). Scarpine has a scar. Yeah.

License to Kill: Inspired use of a flare gives an early double kill before the credits. But then it's a long stretch of the usual bad secret agent work (yes I'll stay after bungling around and being seen by guards) until his fight with Zorin. To be fair not for want of trying, he does shoot a bunch of guys with a shotgun but it's loaded with rock salt. I haven't been keeping track but 3 might be the lowest number of people he kills in any film. I'm sure Empire did a tally once of stuff like that but I'm too lazy to google it.

Bond hates foreigners: Nothing terrible here.

Bond hates women: Beyond the dire 'flirting' and hot tub fucking escapades (that is he has sex with someone in a hot tub rather than trying it on with the bathroom equipment itself) nothing too terrible here either. A joke about women's lib taking over the teamsters is too awful to count as sexist.

Bond's crazy knowledge: Seems well versed on electromagnetic pulses. Might come in useful for GoldenEye.

Bond's a big fat snob: Knows his alcohol and can impress a french detective.

00's killed: 003 off screen, though we view his corpse, after infiltrating a Soviet Siberian base. Which probably would have been a more interesting thing to see than the bizarre office day out we get to the race track (why are M, Moneypenny and fricking Q there?)

Mini overview: I like this more than a lot of people seem to. Despite Moore being off prime (huffing his way up the Eiffle towers step made even more obvious by the dreadful stunt doubling) it has a great villain (whose scheme doesn't seem to make much sense but he is clearly a fan of Auric Goldfinger or at least his ideas) and a decent soundtrack. It makes excellent use of location, getting real value from San Francisco and Paris but is rather sloppily directed. And Patrick Macnee is gold even if treated oh so shabbily.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

The angels are not done with you yet!

Max Payne (2008)

Dreary thriller that spends it's first hour thinking it's Angelheart before remembering it was based  on a computer game with some shoot-outs so chucks in a couple of dumb action scenes. Also naming one of the characters B.B. may have been a mistake (when Whalberg unloads his pistol into a empty room shouting what sounds like 'baby' you can't help but bring a Freudian analysis to that little bit of sexual frustration).

Monday, 27 February 2012

And a Dutch Rudder is...?

Zack and Miri Make A Porno (2008)

Another look back at a myspace review

Much in the same vein as Clerks 2, alternating crudity and sappiness. The romance part of rom-com is once more fumbled (the guy acts like an arsehole, then calls the woman an arsehole and she, well, kind of accepts it) but the com part is fast and funny and Seth Rogen an able Kevin Smith player.

Friday, 24 February 2012

I want you to punish me.

A Dangerous Method (2011)

Rather frustrating (or am I projecting my sexual hang ups onto the movie eh Freud?). It's a solidly made, good looking film with yet another strong performance from Fassbender. 
Yet, it suffers from a couple of major flaws.
One: Keira Knightly is just awful. Full of nervous tics and accent crutches her performance never feels real and derails from the underplayed work of Mortensen and Fassbender.
Two: The whole thing is just dramatically inert. It never really comes to grips with the origins of psychoanalysis preferring to reduce things to a spattering of spanking sessions with Keira Knightly, and the clash of great minds between Freud and Jung is mostly dealt with by a couple of letters. Hardly scintillating conflict, unless you are particularly enamored of Knightley's tits I guess.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

We all agreed, celebrities aren't people

The Muppets (2011)

Not nearly as good as it should have been, that it is still a generally fun romp is down to the sheer likability of the franchise but a fatal flaw almost sinks it from the beginning.
Segal, as co-writer, is clearly in love with The Muppets. And spends a lot of the movie telling us this. Unfortunately what it forgets to do for the first half hour is actually give us the fucking Muppets he keeps saying are so cool. There's some good stuff here, a delightful musical number which involves a whole small town population but it takes too long to get to Kermit and then too long to get the group together.
Luckily when it does the movie shifts up a gear and delivers us what it promises. The flimsy plot is an excuse for some jokes and a host of cameos from culty comedians mostly simply placed for recognition value, (love seeing Donald Glover here but why have someone as brilliant as he is do almost literally nothing) though Jim Parsons personification of a human Muppet is splendid.
The songs are mostly very good, Chris Cooper just about keeps a rap number on the right side of cringe-worthy but some of the gags fall flat, a victim to the movies uneven tone and a lack of certainty over who it's target audience is. Certainly at the screening I was at one of the earliest big laughs from the kids in the audience came from a clip of the old show and not from anything new.

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Now's not the time for dick measuring, Stuart!

Taken (2008)

Horribly offensive, it spends half an hour having Neeson tell his daughter she can't go abroad because she'll be raped or killed or any number of terrible things.
And of course within three seconds of getting to a foreign country she is kidnapped. 
Neeson then spends the rest of the film killing the immigrant population of Paris in slick but dull action scenes.

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

I guess we learned not to do it again.

Burn After Reading (2008)

Very particular, and peculiar, comedy from the Coens. The cast is superb (Pitt especially) in playing silly, very one dimensional roles. But how much you get out of it will depend on if you find the central joke funny or not.
Telling an audience something they have just watched was pointless is perhaps a mistake, but a very funny one.

Monday, 20 February 2012

My life partner, my one coquette, the answer to my love's duet.

Enchanted (2007)

Once it gets beyond the annoying tendenacy to have its' heroine fall down (an initially funny gag about the inpracticality of her dress becomes rather labored) and some of the more obvious culture clash jokes it reveals itself to be a pleasant and clever Disney take on Shrek. Though lacking the Dreamworks films cynicism it makes up for it by playing the story straight with a refreshing lack of knowing irony. The performances are very good (James Marsden continues his winning turn in Hairspray with a deliciously funny Prince Charming). There are some problems; for all its good in presenting a Disney princess who becomes independant it still falls on the tropes of a romance film and the unfortunate and unneeded New York girlfriend is arbitrarily paired off undermining the whole point of the film, I also know of one single parent who was horrified by the speech the father gives about bringing up his kid after her mother died (though I loved the fact that she is seen in a karate uniform and it's never mentioned, just a nice background detail).

Friday, 17 February 2012

The coin don't have no say. It's just you.

No Country for Old Men (2007)

Not just the best film of the past year but possibly the best film of the past five years. Stunningly filmed, making full use of cinematic language to slowly unfold a taut (one sequence is probably the finest suspense scene since Hitchcock was around) and brutal crime story.
Javier Bardem's Anton Chirgurh is intensly creepy and backed up by every other actor bringing their 'A' game to the proceedings.
The film can be read on many levels and dissecting it's character's motivations just one of the myriad pleasures offered.
Almost perfect.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Give me a scotch. I'm starving.

Iron Man (2008)

Superbly cast (the baggage Robert Downey Jnr. carries with him works in the films favour) with no-one camping up their performance because it's a superhero movie, Iron Man is a strong first offering from Marvel's film division. The story is kept down to earth and always with an eye on keeping it personal (the bad guys plot has more to do with jealousy than plans for world domination) and the humour mostly character based. It is perhaps just slightly too long and the climatic fight suffers a little from not being able to see what is happening clearly but it ends with the most perfect last line since Casino Royale.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Oh my god, was that a ninja?

Speed Racer (2008)

Quite unlike anything else, an absolute blast of colour and sound. It succeeds in dazzling in it's set pieces but only Ricci can make the bubblegum nonsense dialogue work and it outstays it's welcome by about half an hour. There is also a rather disconcerting message, promoting sports achievements beyond all else especially academic. It literally attempts to whip the audience into a frenzy of blood lust (the crowd roaring, the colour, sound, the commentators are yelling for Speed to rip the other guy to shreds) which seems a liitle tasteless in a family film.
Kim Newman probably said it best when he claimed that after seeing Speed Racer he now knows what summer blockbusters would be like if the Nazis had won the war.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Any psychotic ex-boyfriends I should be aware of?

The Dark Knight

It's well shot, has generally good acting and some interesting ideas but something fails to quite mesh together in this overly long and sombre comic adaptation.
The intention to create a serious and deep crime movie is at odds with Bale's goofy funfair haunted house ride voice and cutesy Bat ears.
Oldman and Eckhart are excellent and Ledger's performance a blast but the film is severly let down by a bloated script which values plot mechanics over character. There are at least two sub-plots that could easily be removed and have no effect on the story what-so-ever, They merely reinforce that the Joker is crazy and likes to play games. It's not exactly hard to pick that up.

Monday, 13 February 2012

Suck it, "Reindeer Games"!

Role Models

A routine, by the numbers plot (aw being nice can make your life better) is thankfully, merely the back bone for some great comedic performances (everyone is essentially doing their schtick but the material is good). It spends quite some time on a LARP field (a geeky activity even geeks look down on) without being overly judgmental and this basic humanity seems earned and rather un-cynical, making this movie head and shoulders above most films of it's ilk.

Friday, 10 February 2012

They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.

Clerks II (2006)

Still going through my reviews from 2006 in no particular order. Will try to get some 2012 movies up next week.
 
Clerks II returns to the two main characters from Smith's first and funniest film in a movie that should please his fans but lacks the iconic impact of the foul mouthed original. As with Jersey Girl and Chasing Amy, Clerks II wishes to examine the personal life of his characters more than just mining them for comedic bits, but the film only really works when it's simply trying to be funny. Luckily this is quite a bit. Rosario Dawson proves more than able in making Smith's dialogue (including such thoughts on whether ass to mouth is acceptable) plausible and her character adorable but you never quite get why she likes Dante, which dramatically reduces the interest in the romance plot.
It lacks some of the sharp one liners of his previous films but coasts on a familiarity that is pleasing and a refusal to quite play by the rules (one of the sappiest scenes is beautifully undermined by the Tijuana donkey show happening concurrently).

Thursday, 9 February 2012

I love it when you demean me, Rick.

Snakes on a Plane

A poor, direct to video effort in every department, this manged to secure Samuel L. Jackson and garnered quite a following on the internet due to it's crowd pleasingly stupid title.
B movies live and breathe largely depending on two things: a genuine wit and invention (Tremors for example) or a fast enough pace so you don't have time to think about how daft it all is (say the transporter) or preferably both (e.g. the highly enjoyable time travel romp Retroactive).
Snakes on a plane has neither. It takes twenty minutes before the plane even takes off and another excrutiating ten minutes before there's any damn snakes.
And when they do finally get the meat of the film it's an incoherent mess of dull, badly acted characters and absolutely no tension at all.
It's just rotten on all conceivable levels.

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

It's 99 percent water, has no brains and no anus.

Stormbreaker (2006)

Stormbreaker is possibly the first kids film i've watched since The Incredibles. I can't think of any others of the top of my head and really can't be bothered to check. Both films are heavily indebted to a personal passion of mine - James Bond movies. Both have villains whose motives stem from percieved childhood injustices. However the similarities stop there.
Stormbreaker is a terribly, terribly directed film. It really doesn't understand how a Bond film (or indeed any action film) works and seems to copy the most base and obvious Bond film motifs but tries to hide behind a dazzle of slow mo and camera jiggery pokery. Geoffrey Sax has all the lack of subtly of Michael Bay, but smaller explosions, so the inadequcies of character and structure are even more obvious.
For every neat idea (The agency our Hero Alex goes to work for start off as a right bunch of bastards) there's ten head slappingly stupid things.
Characters drift in and out of the action with no real purpose or depth beyond what they are doing to make sure the film progresses to the next scene or in some cases are completly forgotten about.
It contains a very dumb and contrived plot hook for further movies but at least that promises the return of the talented and rather good looking man, Damien Lewis.
The acting is generally acceptable though I'm not sure all of them realise they are in the same film. Bill Nighy brings his usual dependable idiosyncrasies to his perfomance, Missi Pyle seems to think she's in an Austen Powers movie and Robbie Coltrane and Stephen Fry are basically thrown away in one note roles.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

I'm here to find the man I love

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Just watched Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.
Now despite being a staunch pirate defender in the age old geek debate pirates versus ninjas (i personally like to throw cowboys in there too) i'm not a huge fan of the first film. Thought it was ok, but nothing particualry pleasing to me beyond some undead Pirates and it contained some things i really dislike (mostly Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley).
 
Dead Man's Chest is a messy, overblown, over complicated and generally unfunny two and a half hours.
But when the film gets it right, it really gets it. 
 
The performances range from the really bad (a lot of the pirate filler crew and especially Mackenzie Crooks lamentable 'comedy' relief),  charisma-less bland (Knightley and Bloom) to the neatly observed (Stellan Skarsgaard as Bootstrap Bill and Tom Hollander's smarmy bad guy) and the inspired (the Bill Nighy/CGI Davy Jones).
 
The film has a very bad pacing problem with most of the first hour being a dull, pointless ramble before gearing up with the appearance of Davy Jones and his accursed crew.
Indeed the whole sequence set on an cannibal inhabited island could be skipped with little effect, it adds nothing to the overly talky but stangely sketchy plot.
 
There is much fun to be had in the three way sword fight and the film comes truely alive whenever the kraken attacks.
 
The design work is all top notch and interesting visually, Davy Jones' crew being an inspired and eclectic mix of creatures and men, gruesome monstrosities sure to delight and scare children in equal measure.

Monday, 6 February 2012

Once again, the press underestimates me.

Superman Returns (2006)

Sticking with my old reviews, this one chosen as a little memorial to the passing of Chuck which had the very likable Brandon Routh as a recurring character for a while.

Well here we are.
Superman Returns is a technically proficient movie, with good performances, solid score and editing (the much under valued John Ottman on both duties there), fine directing but I don't think I've seen a movie that boring in a long time.
It constantly undermines itself dramatically with a plot that makes no sense and characters that behave like plot functions rather than humans (or Kryptonians, i guess).
The film doesn't realy have a full set piece, the early rescue of a plane with Lois Lane on (echoing the first film) comes close but fails to elicit any genuine thrills unless you like seeing Kate Bosworth bashed around. A lot.
Instead Superman saves people from falling, saves people from being crushed by something that's falling, or is in the back of a plane whilst it is falling. There's little here that hasn't been seen elsewhere, often in movies that are nowhere near as good, but also nowhere near as dull.

Friday, 3 February 2012

It mocks us with its... *house-ness*!

Monster House (2006)

Ah 2006 - three years before I would become obsessed with a teevee show called Community, we had this interesting little rascal.

Monster House is a fun throwback to the Zemeckis/Spielberg films of the 80's.
A trio of kids realise that the house across the street is haunted and has begun eating people, the adults, naturally, don't take heed.
It has the simple plot mechanics of a film for the youngsters but layers in some neat observational humour and has a darker (though not Gremlins dark, say,) edge to it than most animated movies of it's ilk. Also there are no cute/annoying anthropomorphic animals with sassy catchphrases which puts it above alot of this years cartoon feature efforts.
The animation is crisp and conveys character really well, with solid voice work from Steve Buscemi, Maggie Gyllenhall and others doing the rest.

So I liked it a fair bit, but interestingly Dan Harmon, creator of Community and co-writer of this was less enthusiastic about it. Here he writes to a young girl who was scared by the film and calls the director a hack and Steven Spielberg a moron (have I mentioned how much I really love Dan Harmon) http://kellyoxford.tumblr.com/post/479774445/my-story-about-the-film-monster-house
He later apologized for calling Spielberg a moron but he remains, along with Joss Whedon and Brian Michael Bendis, one of my favourite people to read on the subject of writing itself. Here's a great bit on characters from his blog - http://danharmon.tumblr.com/post/9510780192/hi-dan-my-wife-and-i-love-community-and-cant-wait