Conan the Barbarian (2011)
Chosen by me because I like to go to the cinema a lot.
The kind of slickly made shit that can make going to the cinema tiresome at times (I'm not one of those people who'll say 'i'll never get those two hours of my life back' because let's face it what the hell else would I do with those hours?). Jut completely lacking in any passion for pulp storytelling it goes through the motions (oh yawn yet more dreary father issues) attempting to rouse you from slumber with spurts of blood and an incredibly loud, but not very interesting, soundtrack (and at the screening I was at failed even to do this as one man a couple of seats away fell asleep and was snorring quite soundly toward the end of the movie).
And what we really want to see in a Conan movie is of course an interminable time with him as a kid. Fucking Spider-man. Becomes one of the biggest movies and now everything has to have a long winded, ever so dull 'origin'. Ron Perlman is always a delight but even he can't save a seriously stupid birth scene (my second for this blog the past week) from overwrought pointlessness.
Nobody here comes out looking good. Momoa is ok but given such leaden dialogue and dull stuff to do.
Nispel directs this fantasy realm exactly as if it were The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and fails to inject any personality or fun into proceedings.